Occasional Cheese

In the house we currently have some Norwegian Jarlsberg - which is very tasty and caused me to note that it occurs in the Monty Python Cheese Shop Sketch.  To which eldest responded that we ought to challenge ourselves: to try and eat each cheese mentioned in that esteemed playlet.

The first thing to do, of course, is to build a list of the cheeses to be attempted.  For the record, here is the script:
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The Players:

 John Cleese - Mousebender;
 Michael Palin - Wensleydale;

The Scene:
 An Edwardian-style shop which carries the signs:
 'Ye Olde Cheese Emporium';
 'Henry Wensleydale, Purveyor of Fine Cheese to the Gentry and the Poverty Stricken Too';
 'Licensed for Public Dancing';

 Two men dressed as city gents are Greek dancing in the corner to the music of a bouzouki.


Mousebender enters.
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MOUSEBENDER:

Good Morning.

WENSLEYDALE:

Good morning, sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium.

MOUSEBENDER:

Ah, thank you my good man.

WENSLEYDALE:

What can I do for you, sir?

MOUSEBENDER:

Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmond Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herries by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.

WENSLEYDALE:

Peckish, sir?

MOUSEBENDER:

Esurient.

WENSLEYDALE:

Eh?

MOUSEBENDER:

(In a broad Yorkshire accent) Eee I were all hungry, like.

WENSLEYDALE:

Ah, hungry.

MOUSEBENDER:

In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little fermented curd will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles.

WENSLEYDALE:

Come again?

MOUSEBENDER:

I want to buy some cheese.

WENSLEYDALE:

Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player.

MOUSEBENDER:

Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse.

WENSLEYDALE:

Sorry?

MOUSEBENDER:

(In a broad Yorkshire accent) Ooo, I like a nice tune - you're forced to.

WENSLEYDALE:

So he can go on playing, can he?

MOUSEBENDER:

Most certainly. Now then, some cheese please, my good man.

WENSLEYDALE:

Certainly, sir. What would you like?

MOUSEBENDER:

Well, eh, how about a little Red Leicester?

WENSLEYDALE:

I'm afraid we're fresh out of Red Leicester, sir.

MOUSEBENDER:

Oh never mind, how are you on Tilsit?

WENSLEYDALE:

I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir. We get it fresh on Monday.

MOUSEBENDER:

Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.

WENSLEYDALE:

Ah. It's been on order, sir, for two weeks. I was expecting it this morning.

MOUSEBENDER:

It's not my lucky day, is it? Er, Bel Paese?

WENSLEYDALE:

Sorry, sir.

MOUSEBENDER:

Red Windsor?

WENSLEYDALE:

Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

MOUSEBENDER:

Ah. Stilton?

WENSLEYDALE:

Sorry.

MOUSEBENDER:

Emmental? Gruyère?

WENSLEYDALE:

No.

MOUSEBENDER:

Any Norwegian Jarlsberger, per chance?

WENSLEYDALE:

No.

MOUSEBENDER:

Liptauer?

WENSLEYDALE:

No.

MOUSEBENDER:

Lancashire?

WENSLEYDALE:

No.

MOUSEBENDER:

White Stilton?

WENSLEYDALE:

No.

MOUSEBENDER:

Danish Blue?

WENSLEYDALE:

No.

MOUSEBENDER:

Double Gloucester?

WENSLEYDALE:

..... No.

MOUSEBENDER:

Cheshire?

WENSLEYDALE:

No.

MOUSEBENDER:

Dorset Blue Vinney?

WENSLEYDALE:

No.

MOUSEBENDER:

Brie, Roquefort, Pont-l'Évêque, Port Salut, Savoyard, Saint-Paulin, Carre-de-L'Est, Bresse-Bleu, Boursin?

WENSLEYDALE:

No.

MOUSEBENDER:

Camembert, perhaps?

WENSLEYDALE:

Ah! We have Camembert, yes sir.

MOUSEBENDER:

You do! Excellent.

WENSLEYDALE:

Yes, sir. It's, ah ..... it's a bit runny.

MOUSEBENDER:

Oh, I like it runny.

WENSLEYDALE:

Well, it's very runny, actually, sir.

MOUSEBENDER:

No matter. Fetch hither le fromage de la Belle France! M-mmm!

WENSLEYDALE:

I think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.

MOUSEBENDER:

I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.

WENSLEYDALE:

Oh .....

MOUSEBENDER:

What now?

WENSLEYDALE:

The cat's eaten it.

MOUSEBENDER:

Has he?

WENSLEYDALE:

She, sir.



(pause)

MOUSEBENDER:

Gouda?

WENSLEYDALE:

No.

MOUSEBENDER:

Edam?

WENSLEYDALE:

No.

MOUSEBENDER:

Caithness?

WENSLEYDALE:

No.

MOUSEBENDER:

Smoked Austrian?

WENSLEYDALE:

No.

MOUSEBENDER:

Japanese Sage Darby?

WENSLEYDALE:

No, sir.

MOUSEBENDER:

You do have some cheese, do you?

WENSLEYDALE:

Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got .....

MOUSEBENDER:

No, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

WENSLEYDALE:

Fair enough.

MOUSEBENDER:

Er, Wensleydale?

WENSLEYDALE:

Yes?

MOUSEBENDER:

Ah, well, I'll have some of that.

WENSLEYDALE:

Oh, I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mr Wensleydale, that's my name.



(pause)

MOUSEBENDER:

Greek Feta?

WENSLEYDALE:

Ah, not as such.

MOUSEBENDER:

Er, Gorgonzola?

WENSLEYDALE:

No.

MOUSEBENDER:

Parmesan?

WENSLEYDALE:

No.

MOUSEBENDER:

Mozzarella?

WENSLEYDALE:

No.

MOUSEBENDER:

Pippo Crème?

WENSLEYDALE:

No.

MOUSEBENDER:

Danish Fimboe?

WENSLEYDALE:

No.

MOUSEBENDER:

Czech sheep's milk?

WENSLEYDALE:

No.

MOUSEBENDER:

Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?.

WENSLEYDALE:

Not today, sir, no.



(pause)

MOUSEBENDER:

Ah, how about Cheddar?

WENSLEYDALE:

Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.

MOUSEBENDER:

Not much ca- It's the single most popular cheese in the world!

WENSLEYDALE:

Not round here, sir.

MOUSEBENDER:

And what is the most popular cheese round here?

WENSLEYDALE:

Ilchester, sir.

MOUSEBENDER:

Is it.

WENSLEYDALE:

Oh yes, sir. It's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.

MOUSEBENDER:

Is it.

WENSLEYDALE:

It's our number-one best seller, sir.

MOUSEBENDER:

I see. Ah, Ilchester, eh?

WENSLEYDALE:

Right, sir.

MOUSEBENDER:

All right. Okay. Have you got any, he asked expecting the answer no?

WENSLEYDALE:

I'll have a look, sir ..... nnnnnnooooooooo.

MOUSEBENDER:

It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?

WENSLEYDALE:

Finest in the district, sir.

MOUSEBENDER:

Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

WENSLEYDALE:

Well, it's so clean, sir.

MOUSEBENDER:

It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.

WENSLEYDALE:

You haven't asked me about Limberger, sir.

MOUSEBENDER:

Is it worth it?

WENSLEYDALE:

Could be.

MOUSEBENDER:

Have you- SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI UP!

WENSLEYDALE:

(To dancers) Told you so.

MOUSEBENDER:

Have you got any Limburger?

WENSLEYDALE:

No.

MOUSEBENDER:

That figures. Predictable really, I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:

WENSLEYDALE:

Yes, sir?

MOUSEBENDER:

Have you in fact got any cheese here at all?

WENSLEYDALE:

Yes, sir.

MOUSEBENDER:

Really?



(pause)

WENSLEYDALE:

No. Not really, sir.

MOUSEBENDER:

You haven't.

WENSLEYDALE:

No, sir, not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.

MOUSEBENDER:

Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

WENSLEYDALE:

Right-O, sir.

MOUSEBENDER:

(Shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life.