When we think about Chaucer, or other canonical writers, we are used to the notion that there are multiple manuscripts from which the text can be drawn. With Chaucer we are used to comparing different readings from the Hengwrt and Ellesmere texts; the usual playscript of Hamlet we use is now mostly drawn from Q2 (the ‘second Quarto’) supplemented by F1 (‘first Folio’).
However, familiar as I am with the need to establish the most reliable source text for narratives from the past, I nevertheless neglected to do so when discussing the Cheese Shop sketch.
To illustrate this, in the posting Occasional Cheese I thought I included the script of the original sketch, but it was actually a record of a later version, while in Esurient I used the YouTube clip of the sketch at one of the Amnesty International concerts. In other postings I listed the cheeses as shown on a site called beavercheese.org and which was also verified in a few other places.
Now, while all of these are broadly consistent, they do not represent the original script of the TV series. The original is subject to several changes in the later version(s) (and not just Cleese's use of a different, swearier word for the runny Camembert). The Wikipedia article (currently) goes a little way to identifying these changes - notably it spots that in the Matching Tie and Handkerchief and the other later versions, Greek Feta is added to the list of cheeses - it isn't in the original.
However, Wikipedia is incomplete; the Monty Python Wiki gets much closer. It includes the facts that::
1: Japanese Sage Derby is called Sage Derby in the original (the Wiki rather strangely notes the 'accuracy' of this in parentheses).
2: As also noted by Wikipedia, Greek Feta isn't in the original list (and hence Palin doesn't utter the immortal line 'Not as such...' in the original - a difference the Wiki misses).
3: A cheese called Perle de Champagne is present amongst the list of French cheeses in the original, but dropped in the later versions.
4. Henry ('Mr') Wensleydale in the original becomes Arthur later.
There are number of differences, therefore, between the original TV sketch and the text I've been using. So now I have to decide: is the cheese challenge we've been slowly working through correctly defined? Should I have based it on the original sketch?
It's pretty clear that I should have done my research properly in the first place. And I've decided to switch to the earlier version of the sketch. So the script I will be using from now onwards is as follows:
A montage of photographs. The cutting from photo to photo is pretty fast. Greek music is heard. Starting with: a close up of Mousebender, who is respectable and wears smart casual clothes; various photos of Mousebender walking along the pavement, again very artily shot from show-off angles; Mousebender pausing outside a shop; Mousebender looking up at the shop; Edwardian-style shop with large sign above it reading 'Ye Olde Cheese Emporium'; another sign below the first reading 'Henry Wensleydale, Purveyor of Fine Cheese to the Gentry and the Poverty Stricken Too'; another sign below this reading 'Licensed for Public Dancing'; close up of Mousebender looking pleased; shot of Mousebender entering the shop. Music cuts dead. Cut to interior of the cheese shop. Greek music playing as Mousebender enters. Two men dressed as city gents are Greek dancing in the corner to the music of a bouzouki. The shop itself is large and redolent of the charm and languidity of a bygone age. There is actually no cheese to be seen either on or behind the counter but this is not obvious. Mousebender approaches the counter and rings a small handbell. Wensleydale appears.
Wensleydale Good morning, sir.
Mousebender Good Morning. I was sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through 'Rogue Herries' by Horace Walpole, when suddenly I came over all peckish.
Wensleydale Peckish, sir?
Mousebender Esurient.
Wensleydale Eh?
Mousebender (broad Yorkshire) Eee I were all hungry, like!
Wensleydale Oh, hungry.
Mousebender (normal accent) In a nutshell. So I thought to myself, 'a little fermented curd will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Walpolling activites, sallied forth and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles. (smacks his lips)
Wensleydale Come again.
Mousebender (broad nothern accent) I want to buy some cheese.
Wensleydale Oh, I thought you were complaining about the music!
Mousebender (normal voice) Heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the terpsichorean muse.
Wensleydale Sorry?
Mousebender I like a nice dance - you're forced to.
Quick cut to a Viking.
Viking (broad Northern accent) Anyway.
Cut back to cheese shop.
Wensleydale Who said that?
Mousebender (normal voice) Now my good man, some cheese, please.
Wensleydale Yes certainly, sir. What would you like?
Mousebender Well, how about a little Red Leicester.
Wensleydale I'm, afraid we're fresh out of Red Leicester, sir.
Mousebender Oh, never mind. How are you on Tilsit?
Wensleydale Never at the end of the week, sir. Always get it fresh first thing on Monday.
Mousebender Tish tish. No matter. Well, four ounces of Caerphilly, then, if you please, stout yeoman.
Wensleydale Ah well, it's been on order for two weeks, sir, I was expecting it this morning.
Mousebender Yes, it's not my day, is it? Er, Bel Paese?
Wensleydale Sorry.
Mousebender Red Windsor?
Wensleydale Normally, sir, yes, but today the van broke down.
Mousebender Ah. Stilton?
Wensleydale Sorry.
Mousebender Gruyere? Emmental?
Wensleydale No.
Mousebender Any Norwegian Jarlsberger?
Wensleydale No.
Mousebender Liptauer?
Wensleydale No.
Mousebender Lancashire?
Wensleydale No.
Mousebender White Stilton?
Wensleydale No.
Mousebender Danish Blue?
Wensleydale No.
Mousebender Double Gloucester?
Wensleydale ...No.
Mousebender Cheshire?
Wensleydale No.
Mousebender Any Dorset Blue Vinney?
Wensleydale No.
Mousebender Brie, Roquefort, Pont-l'Évêque, Port Salut, Savoyard, Saint-Paulin, Carre-de-L'Est, Boursin, Bresse-Bleu, Perle de Champagne, Camenbert?
Wensleydale Ah! We do have some Camembert, sir.
Mousebender You do! Excellent.
Wensleydale It's a bit runny, sir.
Mousebender Oh, I like it runny.
Wensleydale Well as a matter of fact it's very runny, sir.
Mousebender No matter. No matter. Hand over le fromage de la Belle France qui s'apelle Camembert, s'il vous plaît.
Wensleydale I think it's runnier than you like it, sir.
Mousebender (smiling grimley) I don't care how excrementally runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
Wensleydale Yes, sir. (bends below counter and reappears) Oh...
Mousebender What?
Wensleydale The cat's eaten it.
Mousebender Has he?
Wensleydale She, sir.
Mousebender Gouda?
Wensleydale No.
Mousebender Edam?
Wensleydale No.
Mousebender Caithness?
Wensleydale No.
Mousebender Smoked Austrian?
Wensleydale No.
Mousebender Sage Darby?
Wensleydale No, sir.
Mousebender You do have some cheese, do you?
Wensleydale Certainly, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got...
Mousebender No, no, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Wensleydale Fair enough.
Mousebender Wensleydale.
Wensleydale Yes, sir?
Mousebender Splendid. Well, I'll have some of that then, please.
Wensleydale Oh, I'm sorry sir, I thought you were reffering to me, Mr Wensleydale.
Mousebender Gorgonzola?
Wensleydale No.
Mousebender Parmesan?
Wensleydale No.
Mousebender Mozzarella?
Wensleydale No.
Mousebender Pippo Crème?
Wensleydale No.
Mousebender Any Danish Fynbo?
Wensleydale No.
Mousebender Czechoslovakian Sheep's Milk Cheese?
Wensleydale No.
Mousebender Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
Wensleydale Not today sir, no.
(pause)
Mousebender Well let's keep it simple, how about Cheddar?
Wensleydale Well, I'm afraid we don't get much call for it around these parts.
Mousebender Not call for it? It's the single most popular cheese in the world!
Wensleydale Not round these parts, sir.
Mousebender And pray what is the most popular cheese round these parts?
Wensleydale Ilchester, sir.
Mousebender I see.
Wensleydale Yes, sir. It's quite staggeringly popular in the manor, squire.
Mousebender Is it.
Wensleydale Yes sir, it's our number-one seller.
Mousebender Is it.
Wensleydale Yes sir.
Mousebender Ilchester, eh?
Wensleydale Right.
Mousebender OK, I'm game. Have you got any, he asked, expecting the answer no?
Wensleydale I'll have a look, sir...nnnnnnooooooooo.
Mousebender It's not much of a cheese shop really, is it?
Wensleydale Finest in the district, sir.
Mousebender And what leads you to that conclusion?
Wensleydale Well, it's so clean.
Mousebender Well, it's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.
Wensleydale You haven't asked me about Limberger, sir.
Mousebender Is it worth it?
Wensleydale Could be.
Mousebender OK, have you...will you shut that bloody dancing up! (the music stops)
Wensleydale (to dancers) Told you so.
Mousebender Have you got any Limberger?
Wensleydale No.
Mousebender No, that figures. It was pretty predictable, really. It was an act of purest optimism to pose the question in the first place. Tell me something, do you have any cheese at all?
Wensleydale Yes, sir.
Mousebender Now I'm going to ask you that question once more, and if you say 'no' I'm going to shoot you through the head. Now, do you have any cheese at all?
Wensleydale No.
Mousebender (shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life.
Mousebender puts a cowboy hat on his head. Cut to stock shot of man on horse riding into the sunset. Music swells dramatically.
(Source: The complete 'Salad Days' episode: which is Episode 33 at http://www.ibras.dk/montypython/episode33.htm)
Even this text, close as it is to the TV sketch, prompts further questions. For example, montypython.net breaks the line of French cheeses at Champagne, gets a 'No' reply and then has 'Camembert?' as a separate question. However, it offers fewer stage directions, and excludes the bridging intro and outro sections, so I have decided not to use that variant as a whole - in that sense the text above is richer. Further, having checked the original recording, I also conclude that their reading of the French cheeses is incorrect. Palin doesn't speak immediately before Camembert. So I'm also disregarding the option of using that reading alongside the text above.
On the other hand, the version I have chosen fails to indicate that Cleese's line: 'I like a nice dance - you're forced to' is also in his strange Northern accent - and I'd query the accent ascribed to the intercut Viking. So it isn't perfect either.
Within these limitations, however, it should do, and it is what I intend to work with from now on.
And so to the cheeses:-
- The Monty Python Wiki correctly spots that Cleese misnames Danish Fimboe as 'Finbo' (or 'Fynbo,' as above). I'll stick with the correct name and continue to seek Fimboe in the future.
- Greek Feta is removed, and Japanese Sage Derby becomes the easier-to-find, simpler, Sage Derby. (In some earlier posts I misspelt Derby as Darby - that too is now corrected).
- Perle de Champagne is more challenging. So far, I haven't found this anywhere, although an advert for Bloomingdales in a copy of the New York Times from 16 October 1972 does advertise 'Perle du Champagne' as 'A small, boxed, pear-shaped, ripening whipped cream cheese, the colour of ivory pearls and a luxirious dessert with ripe pears if you can find any.' That at least gives me a notion of what I'm looking for. I'm not worried about the de/du difference, I think. The script has a number of factual errors (for example, famously ascribing 'Rogue Herries' to the eighteenth-century Horace rather than the twentieth-century Hugh Walpole) - so one more may perhaps reasonably be assumed.
The NYT advert also, intriguingly, refers to Bloomingdales as 'Unquestionably the best cheese shop in the City' and also notes that the stock varies from week to week, and of the over 300 cheeses in their inventory 'only about 135 are on hand at any one time'. In other words, you may not get the cheese you want when you go there. Does that sound familiar?
The 'Salad Days' episode was first broadcast on 30 November 1972, so it is hard to see this paper as a direct influence - however I don't know how long before that first broadcast the sketch was writtten and recorded, so the advert may have been a source if the interval was short. Again, I don't know how common the NYT might have been in the Chapman or Cleese households.
Whatever. I have now - I hope - set the record straight regarding the cheeses. So let's end with a reminder of the sketch itself:
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